contemplation

can my love follow numbness or exist in darkness?

this is why i CAN’T seem to summon an answer

iamdarkandnumb.

iamdarkandnumb.

iamdarkandnumb.

iamdarkandnumb. SIMULTANEOUSLY

too shallow… too shallow to sink or swim… not enough, never enough, none to quench the thrist that is always beckoning. calling. SCREAMING .

my mouth is dry. cracking.

iamdarkandnumbandshallow. my conclusion…. i am thirsty, so thirsty and i know the source. i know the source intimately. where to find it. how to touch it and be touched by it.

yet my eyes turn from side to side… so I am stuck and numb. iamdarkandnumbandshallowandstuck. simutaneously

failing, falling... and swiftly.

"as she stood behind him at his feet weeping, she began to wet his feet with her tears. then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them." I am not sure i could.

"then the woman, seeing that she could not go unnoticed, came trembling and fell at his feet."

maybe if i let go. just let go. but all i have is two small copper coins.

it hurts. i scream.

Eloi, Eloi, lema sabchthani? My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?

"she said, ‘i will go after my lovers, who give me my food and my water, my wool and my linen, my olive oil and my drink.’ therefore i will block her path…i will wall her in so that she cannot find her way. she will chase after her lovers but not catch them, she will look for them but not find them."

"there is no faithfulness, no love, no acknowledgement"

"YOU WHORE!" iam

even after this….still….numbness. your still small voice does not stir me. andiamsosorry

iambroken.

you are perfect and good, so good. you are closing in. taking my breath away.

never forsaking, just unseen.